My baby Maya is sick. She had a virus, possibly RSV, and the virus left Bronchiolitis marinating in her tiny lungs. We've been giving her breathing treatments, and she hasn't been eating well. It has really worried me.
And I have felt guilty.
See, tomorrow, whether Maya is well or not, I will go to work. Because I am a working mom. I'm not very good at it, either. Every year I use all of my sick days- plus a few. I cannot stand to leave my sick children at childcare. My inner voice screams that it's not the way it was meant to be!
Tomorrow, my mom is going to keep Maya with her. At mom's, Maya can have breathing treatments every four hours as needed. At her childcare center, I will have to get a note faxed over so that her caregiver can administer the treatments.
Please don't get me wrong. I love the ladies who care for Maya each day. They are so good to her. They read to her and play with her, and there are other babies in the classroom for Maya to interact with. It's an excellent childcare center.
But I still feel guilty. I am who I am.
I won't break down the benefits of my working and bringing in income as though they are more valuable than my children. They're not. Although, food and electricity are pretty darn nice. ;)
The truth is, I want my life to matter to more than just my children. I want to make a difference outside of my home. The children I work with drive me to be a better teacher and strategist. Besides, not all of my students have a loving and kind mother to care for them once they get home. For quite a few of my students, I am their loving and kind mother. For six hours a day. What they go home to is not nearly as promising.
So while I feel guilty about leaving my sweet baby with a woman who is not me but still loves her so much, I have a chance to make a distinct and measurable difference in the lives of sixteen other children. Plus the few I smile at in the hallways...
One day, it may be easier. But for now, I'm working on being a working mom.
And I have felt guilty.
See, tomorrow, whether Maya is well or not, I will go to work. Because I am a working mom. I'm not very good at it, either. Every year I use all of my sick days- plus a few. I cannot stand to leave my sick children at childcare. My inner voice screams that it's not the way it was meant to be!
Tomorrow, my mom is going to keep Maya with her. At mom's, Maya can have breathing treatments every four hours as needed. At her childcare center, I will have to get a note faxed over so that her caregiver can administer the treatments.
Please don't get me wrong. I love the ladies who care for Maya each day. They are so good to her. They read to her and play with her, and there are other babies in the classroom for Maya to interact with. It's an excellent childcare center.
But I still feel guilty. I am who I am.
I won't break down the benefits of my working and bringing in income as though they are more valuable than my children. They're not. Although, food and electricity are pretty darn nice. ;)
The truth is, I want my life to matter to more than just my children. I want to make a difference outside of my home. The children I work with drive me to be a better teacher and strategist. Besides, not all of my students have a loving and kind mother to care for them once they get home. For quite a few of my students, I am their loving and kind mother. For six hours a day. What they go home to is not nearly as promising.
So while I feel guilty about leaving my sweet baby with a woman who is not me but still loves her so much, I have a chance to make a distinct and measurable difference in the lives of sixteen other children. Plus the few I smile at in the hallways...
One day, it may be easier. But for now, I'm working on being a working mom.
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