Just reasons to gripe.

Sometimes I happen along a deep thought that somehow finds me in a random place, at the changing table, in the middle of a praxis test, brushing my teeth. The latest one that struck me was in fact during a praxis test as I watched a very angry young woman grunt and gripe at the man proctoring the exam. She was angry that she wasn’t allowed to drink her coke during the test and that her watch had to be on her wrist in order for her to keep it out during the testing. Dumb things. Things that really don’t matter. Just reasons to gripe.

And I thought, Strength is not in volume. Fierceness is weakness amplified.

Please understand that I know I am a smart ass to my core. I’ve always had something witty and sharp to say, always known how to put someone in their place. What I am realizing, though, is that I was angry. At what or whom doesn’t matter. Could be a million different choices- a driver who cut me off, a parent who treated me poorly, a boyfriend who was a jerk. Maybe all of those options plus many more added up to an attitude of resistance and disobedience. Disrespect and frustration. An angry girl who was ready and willing to rip you apart before you could rip her.

Or take away her coke. And her watch.

Since my daughter was born, I’ve tried to analyze myself and my habits. Mostly, I’m not too impressed with what I’ve found. Sometimes, I think, my wit (shall we church it up?) has helped me along the way, but mostly it has just separated me from others. And, at the risk of sounding like a bad sermon, I don’t think I want my children pushing people away just in case- just in case he hurts me, just in case she teases me… Just in case my mother grew up insecure and needed a safe place to hide, finding that words were the easiest habitat to carry along the way.

I don’t know why I am thinking all of these things tonight. Maybe it’s that I just watched UP with Nick and Allie and was struck by the sheer loneliness of the characters. Maybe it’s because I’ve watched more coverage on Michael Jackson than I care to admit and have found that if someone would have simply knocked on his door and offered to sit and chat, they would have found a friend for life. Maybe it’s just time I had a new realization?

Either way, I’m seeing that words and life breed new things into our existence, loneliness and sadness or joy and prosperity. It just depends which words. Which life. And who you want to be.